


At Eternity's End

by grimsoul



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, M/M, Soulmates, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23981770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimsoul/pseuds/grimsoul
Summary: Mark and Renjun.Renjun and Mark.Perhaps some things were constant even if they were in a different lifetime.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	At Eternity's End

**Author's Note:**

> MORE WARNINGS: mention of drugs, sex and implied suicide (though all were like one sentence so i just tagged it here, it's better to be safe than never), i rated this M just to be sure
> 
> i was actually in the middle of writing jaemle but markren decided to breathe [7dream noises] so this is purely self-indulgent. hope u enjoy!

> _At the end of the world or the last thing I see_
> 
> _You are never coming home, never coming home_
> 
> _Could I? Should I?_
> 
> — _The Ghost of You, My Chemical Romance_

Their story started like this: Renjun was the new kid in the neighborhood, all skin and bones, Korean words slipping out of his lips inarticulately which made him even an easier target for the big kids to push around, while Mark was the leader of his own friend group, clumsy at times yet vocal, certainly brave enough (or maybe stupid) to stand up for the crying, new kid.

Pretty cliche, huh?

Of course, the story went on. Mark’s friends gladly took Renjun in, happy that there was a new face after twelve years of being sick of each other. Renjun’s Korean got better thanks to them, though sometimes Mark thought it was a mistake with the number of curses and informal phrases that Donghyuck taught him. It didn’t matter though. Renjun fitted in as if he had always belonged, and from the Renjun who spoke with a soft, shy voice, he became the Renjun that boldly spoke his mind and laughed his heart out.

Mark wasn’t going to lie. Renjun’s laughter sounded like music to his ears. It was full yet light and soft around the edges. Mark thought it was unfair how someone could laugh beautifully while he sounded like a dying seagull. Though he shouldn’t have been surprised, not when everything about Renjun was beautiful, so it was only right that his laughter was too.

Renjun was different—a good kind of different. Mark’s friends were at both ends of a spectrum. The two seemed not to know when to shut up while the other one only watched and laughed from the sidelines. Renjun was the balance that they all needed, especially Mark. He could keep up with the chaos while still being able to hold himself back.

He was also different in a way that if Mark’s other friends brought him nothing but a headache, Renjun’s mere presence could make it all go away. The revelation of the fact was quite astonishing to Mark. Donghyuck and Jaemin had been arguing about something that he didn’t really care to know about. They did this too often that it was just another regular thing between them but it still nagged Mark to death. But that specific time, Mark felt indifferent. At first, he thought that maybe he was finally getting used to it then he became aware of how Jeno was giving him awkward side glances, and then he finally noticed how Renjun was playing with his ear. 

How long had he been doing that? 

Since then, Mark became conscious whenever Donghyuck and Jaemin were back on their bullshit. Whenever they were all together, really. Renjun didn’t seem to be aware of his behavior either but even if he were, it was something that he wouldn’t really think about much. Unfortunately, Mark was the opposite. He couldn’t stop thinking how Renjun seemed to hate it whenever Donghyuck and Jaemin were annoyingly touchy to him—going through such lengths as not sitting beside them—but seemed to have no problems when he was the one initiating it. Though the fact was, he was only doing it to Mark.

Mark tried not to swim deeply into it.

Renjun’s growth in their town was like a movie unfolding before Mark’s eyes. He watched as Renjun came out of his shell, and not only to their group but also to other people. He was charming in all sorts of ways and it definitely became quite handy to him: from convincing other students to join the art club to tricking his teachers into giving him an A+ instead of just an A. Sometimes they used it to their own advantage too like distracting the cashier at some gas station convenience store while Jaemin and Donghyuck stashed bags of chips and cookies in their shirts. 

To be frank, Mark didn’t know how they ended up from being a group of kids having weekly movie marathons to a group of dicks risking their college scholarships for a few cheap bags of junk food. It was fun though. Especially when the adrenaline rushed into his veins as Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Renjun ran frantically towards Celia, shouting at Jeno to start the vehicle.

Jeno’s beat-up truck, which he insisted everyone to call Celia, held a sentimental value to all of them. They were present when Jeno got it for his sixteenth birthday until he sold it to a scrap yard after they graduated college. Celia was the only constant throughout their high school and college years. It was where they first got drunk after sneaking three bottles of soju from Mark’s kitchen. It was where they first rolled a blunt and passed it around. They got so baked out of their minds that night that none of them wanted to do it for the next couple of weeks. It was where Donghyuck and Jeno had first sex. (Honestly, no one was supposed to know but the two weren’t very discreet and it was difficult to keep a secret in such a small, loud group.)

Most importantly, it was where Mark had his first kiss.

It was a Saturday, and Jaemin whined endlessly about going on a night drive. “If I stay one more second in this house and force myself to finish my chemistry homework, I am going to die,” he complained dramatically into the phone call. And because they were who they were, no one really objected to the idea.

Mark wasn’t sure how long they drove around the empty streets. But when they parked at the cliff right at the edge of the neighborhood, half of the street lights were off and all the houses were dead asleep. 

They set a blanket and a few pillows at the back of the truck where they all laid down quite uncomfortably. It only lasted a few minutes though because Donghyuck couldn’t sit still, ever. Eventually, he grabbed Jeno and Jaemin to the front seat of the truck, making sure to turn the stereo volume up, the old rock song blasting through the endless space, to drown out their noises.

Mark and Renjun were used to it, not even surprised that Jeno-and-Donghyuck became Jeno-and-Donghyuck-and-Jaemin. Anyone with eyes can see that those three were like fools pining for each other from the very start. There was a time when Mark was afraid that whatever it was going on between them would result in a turmoil but the three made it work, quite effortlessly at that. It was like Jeno and Donghyuck weren’t enough on their own, and Jaemin was the missing puzzle piece.

A moan that awfully sounded like Jaemin’s cut right into the loud music and buzzing of cicadas. Mark only closed his eyes, hoping to drown out the noises and fall asleep. But before he could fall into a deep slumber, he felt something rustling beside him and when he opened his eyes, Renjun was lying on his side, head resting on his hand, eyes staring right into Mark’s soul.

Millions of stars above them—billions even—but Renjun’s eyes seemed to burn the brightest. There was a faint smile in his wet, pink lips and Mark tried not to stare at them for too long.

“I wish I had brought my sketchbook,” Renjun said. His voice was calm and soft as if he was talking to someone dear to him. Mark didn’t think about it, not really keen on knowing the implication of it. If there was even one. It simply didn’t make sense. He was Mark and this was Renjun.

“It’s a nice view, isn’t it?” Mark propped himself up by the elbows and turned his gaze at the said view before them. Their town wasn’t even beautiful in the slightest but everywhere he looked, only warmth passed in his chest. “I’m actually kinda sad we’re leaving for college in a few months. But at least our universities are only less than an hour’s drive away to each other, right?”

Renjun was still looking at him when he faced him again. There was something in his eyes that made Mark shiver in both exhilaration and fear. Fear of what, he didn’t know. “Right,” Renjun whispered. 

Mark wouldn’t get tired of staring into Renjun’s eyes. For something so small and dark, they seemed to hold everything in the universe. All the good and the bad, the mysteries and the origins, the known and the unknown, _everything._

You see, Mark wasn’t brave. He wasn’t when they were kids and he still wasn’t when they were teenagers. Mark was just someone who couldn’t stop the words from escaping his mouth before he could think about it. People mistook it for his being courageous but Mark knew better. He was just plain stupid.

So like always, he didn’t really think it through when he blurted out, “Renjun, I want to kiss you.”

Mark knew the exact moment when everything started crumbling down between them. All the pieces of evidence were blatant anyway. It started with Renjun being agonizingly silent for a long time, eyes wide and body stiff. Then his lips parted slowly yet no words nor sound came out. Mark should’ve seen this coming. They weren’t like the other three, whose fate seemed to go out of bounds of friendship. After all, he was Mark and this was Renjun. 

“Shit. Renjun, I’m sorry—”

Though Renjun stopped him by grabbing the collar of his shirt and pressing their lips together in a bruising kiss. 

While Renjun was light, delicate, and warm, everything about the way he kissed Mark was exactly the opposite. He licked into Mark’s mouth with such fervor that had the older gasping against him. Mark couldn’t even think. If it weren’t for Renjun sliding onto his lap, leading him in their heated dance, he would’ve only gawked there like a lifeless idiot. 

Renjun nibbled his bottom lip, drawing a weak noise from Mark’s throat. It felt like a fire; Renjun was a wildfire that seeped into his lips and crawled over his body in the speed of light, and Mark was a pyromaniac relishing it, craving for more. Desperate to hold onto something, to remind himself that this was not a dream of some sort, Mark gripped Renjun’s waist quite firmly. It elicited a small gasp from the younger that muddled Mark’s thoughts even further.

Mark couldn’t remember how many times his thoughts strayed whenever he looked at Renjun’s lips. As much as possible, he avoided looking at them. He was never a good liar and if Renjun asked him what was the matter, why he was looking at his lips like _that_ , he’d probably spill everything in an instant. But his efforts still didn’t stop himself from imagining how his first kiss with Renjun would be. (And yes, he had always imagined that his first kiss would be Renjun and no one else.) 

Everyone told him that first kisses were awkward at best. Even Donghyuck and Jeno attested to that. It was fine, it was normal. No one was an expert without a little experience and practice anyway. But were first kisses supposed to feel like this? Were they supposed to feel like Mark’s body was buzzing with electricity? Like his world could end right now and he would die a satisfied man?

Maybe it was because Mark was inexperienced so he was sensitive. Though he was certain that if Renjun kissed someone more experienced like this, they would be feeling like Mark as well. Not that he wanted Renjun to kiss somebody else. The thought actually made his stomach churn.

They both pulled away with a gasp, a thin string of saliva stretching between their lips. Mark had always known that Renjun was beautiful but at that moment, he was even more so. His eyes were wide and glazed, and his hair was disheveled in a way that it would’ve looked ridiculous if he were another person. (Did Mark do that?) Mark couldn’t even look at his swollen lips because he knew he’d just want to dive in for more. They were so close that Mark could see how smooth his tender skin was and several obscene images flashed in his head.

Renjun was simply bewitching.

The two of them didn’t become official after that. It wasn’t like they didn’t care enough, it was just that they didn’t really find the importance to acknowledge it out loud. They both knew what they were to each other, and their friends definitely knew about it too, if their teasing looks were anything to go by. 

Renjun was his and Mark was Renjun’s. They understood it as easily as breathing.

College was everyone’s hell. Mark and Jaemin went to the same university while Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno to another. It was just sickening how everything was so easy in high school and then in college, they were all failing within a blink of an eye.

The fact that Mark and Jaemin were away from the other three made it even worse for all of them. Maybe this was the downside of pouring everything out between them. They had been too dependent on each other that they couldn’t function properly when someone’s amiss. 

Mark fought the urge to ditch his classes and to go to Renjun’s university. The idea was compelling the most when he hated the class but Mark needed to graduate. If he wanted to fulfill his dreams, if he wanted to live a comfortable life, he needed to finish whatever the fuck this was.

Jaemin was even worse because at least Jeno and Donghyuck had each other. Although they were roommates, Mark knew Jaemin felt lonelier than ever. His boyfriends could confide in each other, took care of each other, while he could only wait for his phone to ring so he could release everything in his chest. And it was so, _so_ painful to watch Jaemin get swallowed by his thoughts and ended up doing something stupid. 

“It was supposed to be just the two of them anyway,” Jaemin said, burning empty holes on to the wall of his bedroom. “I just forced myself into the picture.”

It was wrong. It was just plainly, completely, absolutely wrong. But no matter what Mark said, Jaemin didn’t budge. He never did.

“God, they’re miserable,” Renjun said. It was one of the few weekends when he and Mark were both free. Most of the time, Mark would be the one to go to Renjun’s place but this time, Renjun made the effort to visit Mark, along with a set of lunch boxes and a tub of ice cream. They were on the couch, now scraping the melted remains of the ice cream as a movie played on the TV though both of them weren’t really paying any attention to it. “Jeno can’t even take care of Hyuck because both of them are really hurt. They cry into each other’s arms every night, Mark. Every night. And I have to visit both of them just to make sure they’re at least eating. This—this whole thing is wearing them away.”

Jaemin met up with his groupmates in one class and wouldn’t be back until evening, and so they had the liberty to talk about anything under the sun. Mark rubbed a hand onto his face and sighed. “I wish he wasn’t so stubborn sometimes. I tried to talk to him but he never listened.”

Renjun dropped the tub of ice cream onto the center table. He chewed on his lip like he always did when he was worried or anxious. Sometimes both. It was definitely both at the moment, and there was nothing Mark wanted more than to wash it all away. “What are we gonna do, Mark? We can’t lose them like this.”

Mark wished he had all the answers in the world but the only thing he could say was, “I don’t know.”

It was hard to mend all of it. Mark and Renjun tried their best, setting up random hangouts and parties, though all of them only resulted in disappointments. It was either Mark, Renjun, Jeno, and Donghyuck, or Mark, Renjun, and Jaemin. As time passed by, Mark and Renjun just stopped trying, accepting the fact that they would never be completed.

It seemed like Mark and Renjun were their only constant. And even that wasn’t right.

The first time they fought was over something childish. Something like not giving each other time despite knowing how busy both of them were. They acknowledged how petty it was and swore not to do it again, but the reality was a hard pill to swallow.

Their fights became so frequent that Mark couldn’t even remember why they were fighting in the first place. It was during the times like this when Mark thought that living away from each other was a good thing because he was afraid it’d be worse if they were together. 

He tried not to think about the possibility that they would’ve been sick of each other if they had lived together. Although the thought was persistent, Mark was even more so. There was no way he’d let everything between him and Renjun turn into ash. He loved Renjun with every fiber of his being and only death could stop him—yet not even that would be enough. 

Renjun seemed to have the same thoughts because every time they fight, he was always the first one to talk, to apologize, even if it was all Mark’s fault. And Mark, no matter what time it was, no matter where he was, would go straight to Renjun’s apartment. They would spend the day cuddling, talking about how their week went, and they would be whole again. 

Mark and Renjun. 

Renjun and Mark.

It took them almost two years before everything came back to normal. Though “normal” wouldn’t be the right word for it, not really. Because Jeno-and-Donghyuck remained Jeno-and-Donghyuck and Jaemin got a new boyfriend. 

His name was Chenle. Jaemin introduced him to them during his twenty-first birthday party. Chenle was everything Mark expected Jaemin’s new boyfriend to be. He was charismatic, loud, and magnetic in a way that made everyone drawn to him as soon as he stepped into the room. He was Chinese too so he and Renjun didn’t have any difficulties in communicating and eventually, becoming friends. But Jeno and Donghyuck had a hard time accepting all of it, more so when they realized that Chenle was absolutely clueless about Jaemin’s past. 

The pain in their faces was so palpable when Chenle greeted them with a wide smile that Mark could feel it crawling on his skin. “Oh, you’re Jeno and Donghyuck? Jaem had told me you two are together for the longest time. That’s really admirable!”

Jaemin never spoke so Jeno and Donghyuck only nodded with a smile. 

It was clear that Jaemin had moved on. Mark could see how he smiled whenever Chenle spoke, how his hand immediately went to Chenle’s like a reflex, and how he looked at Chenle like how he used to look at Jeno and Donghyuck. Renjun took notice of it too, if the sadness in his eyes whenever Chenle looked away was anything to go by. Of course, Jeno and Donghyuck knew it too. It wasn’t really hard to notice anyway. Anyone who knew Jaemin could see how sickeningly in love he was with Chenle. It was like an everlasting fact that everyone somehow managed to learn in a snap. 

Despite Mark’s convincing, Jeno and Donghyuck went home early that night. And Jaemin never noticed.

It took more time before Jeno and Donghyuck became okay, like really okay. They could finally talk to Jaemin individually, and without looking like their hearts were ripped into pieces at that. Donghyuck turned back to his usual loud self, even going back to his and Jaemin’s bullshit. Jeno, albeit still quiet, became less timid. When he wasn’t busy laughing at Donghyuck and Jaemin, he’d even join in whatever idiocy they came up with.

To be truthful, it wasn’t their ending that Mark had imagined but it would suffice. They were happy and contented. And the important thing was, he and Renjun were still together. It was a fact they had engraved onto a stone a long time ago.

Mark graduated in time. All of them did. They all had been through so much for the past couple of years that none of them thought they’d be finished in time. Jeno even thought he’d drop out during his third year, and Renjun was definitely thinking about taking a gap year. But they did it, and they were finally done with all of it.

After college, they all had a life of their own. Such an idea seemed so appalling before they entered college but now it was okay. More than okay, in fact. They had learned how to be independent in their own ways and they were living, actually living. No longer they were children trying to survive on two cups of ramen and ten cups of coffee for a day. 

Mark and Renjun moved into an apartment complex median to where they were working. The best part was the two of them had different shifts with an overlapping window. They didn’t have to worry about forgetting their chores while still having time for each other. It was a much more mundane life than the one they had when they were teenagers but Mark loved it all the same. If he were honest, he’d say that he actually loved their new life more.

Ten years since they have first known each other and in those years, many things have changed. Some have come, some have gone, but the two of them remained constant. Ten years since Mark had fallen yet his love for Renjun grew even more. It should’ve been impossible but with Renjun, things were anything but.

So it wasn’t really a surprise that they got married four years later. Some may say it was too early for them to tie the knot, but why wait when they had already found the person they wanted to spend eternity with?

The wedding wasn’t big, just them, their friends, and their families. It was everything they could’ve asked for. They continued to live at that dingy apartment complex because Renjun loved teaching at the local arts center too much. Mark didn’t mind anyway. He could live literally anywhere as long he and Renjun were together.

It was quite funny how they had spent so many years together and neither of them had said the words “I love you.” They had been together since high school, went through a lot of shit in college, lived in together, got married, and yet, they have never said those words. In Mark’s defense (and he was pretty sure Renjun felt the same), they never deemed it as important. The two of them knew that the love they had for each surpassed everything that this world knew. They didn’t need to remind themselves about the fact when they felt it in every inch of their body, every day, every hour, every minute, every second.

They were aware of who they were to each other and that was all they needed.

The only time one of them said it was quite random. It was a Tuesday afternoon. Mark came home a few hours ago and was now in his peaceful slumber. Renjun was just getting ready to go to work. Most of the time, Renjun would just announce that he’d be leaving, not minding that Mark wouldn’t be able to hear it at all. Though this time, something compelled him to do something different.

The chaste kiss on Mark’s forehead woke him up. Not really though, he was half asleep. Nevertheless, he still heard the giggle that Renjun made as he patted Mark’s head. Then the words flowed out of the younger’s lips naturally, “I love you, Mark.”

As soon as Renjun finished saying the words, Mark was back to being dead asleep. He never got to say it back but it was alright. Renjun knew Mark would do anything for him and that was the only reassurance the younger needed.

Mark had imagined that he and Renjun were going to adopt kids. They already had the talk once and decided that they would do it a few years later. First, they would save up money then maybe travel here and there. (He had always wanted to take Renjun to France to see the Louvre and to Canada where he grew up before moving into Korea.) Then they would adopt kids and Mark had imagined that they would watch their children grow up while watching each other turn gray and brittle. When their children no longer needed them, they would live in a bungalow in the countryside. Maybe Mark would pass his time by gardening while Renjun would paint the flowers and the fields. 

None of those happened though, because nothing was really constant in Mark’s life. Not even the love of his life.

It was cancer, the kind where they tell you only have six months left. And six months it was. 

Renjun was only twenty-eight then. He was still too young, full of energy and brightness. Full of light and love. Yet Mark watched as all those faded away from Renjun’s eyes. Those eyes that seemed to hold everything became shallow, cold, and empty.

Mark and Renjun.

Renjun and Mark.

They engraved that onto a stone but it seemed like even that could be erased.

Just like in the beginning, it was only Mark. His friends had lives of their own and he didn’t really care to make new ones. He never loved again after that despite still having a lot of years awaiting him. Despite Renjun begging him to live again, to be happy again, because he deserved that at the very least.

But how could Mark do it? How could he love again when whenever he slept at night, his dreams only consisted of Renjun? It wasn’t even his memories with Renjun, they were made-up ones, something like out of a book with a happy ending. Nevertheless, they felt real and vivid that Mark only wanted to do nothing but to sleep. At least in his dreams, Renjun was alive and they did grow old together. Die together.

Mark was sixty-three when he died. Still young according to people his age but it had been too many years already. His body couldn’t take it anymore and he died peacefully in his sleep.

As he took his last breath, Mark dreamt of him and Renjun sitting on the floor of an empty room. They looked young like they were fresh out of high school but they also looked different, too different, with glasses and vibrant hair colors. Mark strummed his guitar as Renjun sang for only him to hear. 

In the end, it was still the two of them together, albeit in Mark’s mind only. It didn’t matter though. 

Mark and Renjun.

Renjun and Mark.

That was all there was to it. 

That was how their story ended.

Or so Mark thought.

• • •

In this life, Mark wasn’t just Mark at all.

He was Mark Lee.

Mark Lee who was a trainee in SM Entertainment; who debuted in NCT U on April 9, 2016; who debuted in two more units and another group after that; who was considered their group’s ace. He was Mark Lee who was just a boy with big dreams and became one of the most known K-pop idols in the world.

Like before, Donghyuck was the first one he met. Jeno and Jaemin came along, and it was an effortless formation of friendship. They just clicked together as if they were all missing puzzle pieces of each other. All of them grew together, watching each other’s hardships and achievements.

It, this friendship they had, was something Mark had been longing for. Being a trainee wasn’t easy especially at a young age but he was fortunate enough to find people like him. People who understood him while still having fun with him.

Yet there was a tiny void in his chest, heavy and swirling. Day by day, Mark could feel it growing bigger, and he didn’t want to know what would happen if it grew big enough to consume him—to collapse everything inside him. He could only shiver at the mere thought of it.

Mark always had suspicions that something was not right with his life. He always felt that he was forcing himself to accept everything as it was. Deep down, he would never be satisfied no matter what he did, even if he was finally close to achieving his dreams.

He was sixteen when the realization kicked in. 

There was a new kid entering the company, all skin and bones, Korean words slipping out of his lips inarticulately. Mark couldn’t help but think he was adorable, especially when he introduced himself, eyes looking straight ahead and bowing so low that Mark thought he was going to fall.

Huang Renjun. That was the name he told them.

At that exact moment, Mark knew Renjun. Not in the way that he had just known his name and where he came from. But Mark _knew_ Renjun. He knew that the boy could be shy at times but there was a crackling fire deep within him. He knew that the boy was charming and had an interest in arts. He knew that the boy had a habit of nibbling his lower lip when thinking too hard. He knew that the boy was forgiving, especially towards people he cared about. He knew that the boy cared so much that he’d put people he loved first before himself. 

Mark just knew Renjun. 

Though when their eyes met, Renjun didn’t seem to remember him at all.

Mark tried to make Renjun remember in not so subtlest ways. 

He spat random facts when they were alone, facts from their previous life like how Renjun liked his water lukewarm and how he always wanted to paint Seoul’s skyline. Renjun would only laugh, finding it endearing that Mark paid close attention to him, even if he said none of those things.

He even told it straight to Renjun’s face once.

“I know you,” Mark blurted once there were the only two of them in the living room of their dorm.

The chuckle that came out of Renjun’s lips was full and airy. “Of course, you do. We’ve known each other for years now.”

“No. I mean I know you from before. From our previous life.”

Renjun looked at him, eyes burning bright and a sweet smile making its way on his lips. Though Mark knew that something was still amiss. 

The younger reached out his hand and pinched Mark’s cheek lightly. They stared at each other for a long time, unsaid words never heard. The endless silent night went on.

“Why do you always look at Renjun like that?” Jaemin asked. They had just taken a break from practicing their new choreography. Mark was now back into the group after seemingly “graduating,” and this was now their second comeback with him. It was just bad management, really. They were like lab rats being experimented on but it didn’t matter in the end. Because they were finally complete—him, Renjun, Donghyuck, Jeno, Jaemin, Chenle, and Jisung. 

It was funny how Chenle became a constant in his life now. Everything from Mark’s past life was still vivid and that included all the shit they have gone through. Jisung was a new face—though not really, Mark was certain he had seen the kid back in his university days—and everyone loved him. Mark thought that everyone would agree if he said they’d do anything for the youngest despite his being little shit at some inconvenient times. 

This, the seven of them together in everything, it all worked out.

“What do you mean? Look at him like what?” Mark asked, his eyes trained on Donghyuck and Renjun bantering loudly. Those two never really learned when to stop.

“Like he means the world to you.”

_Because he does mean the world to me._

Though the words never left his lips and their choreographer called them back. Jaemin never spoke to him about it again.

  
  
  


“Mark, can you help me?”

Their comeback was a success, to say the least. Now they were going on a world tour in a few months, and every single one of them was to prepare a special solo performance. Straying from his rapper role, Mark chose to sing accompanied by his own strumming of a guitar. Naturally, Jeno and Jisung picked dancing while Jaemin and Chenle picked rapping. (It was still a new concept, Chenle rapping that was. But he was so enthusiastic about it that everyone knew it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Of course, Donghyuck and Renjun chose singing as well.

Renjun was biting his lower lip as he waited for Mark to answer. They had just finished learning the new choreography for a remix of their song and everyone was packing to leave. Not Renjun though. His eyes were determined and no one really could convince him if he was like that.

“Sure thing. About what?” Mark finally said.

“I’m having trouble with the bridge of my song,” Renjun explained. In the background, the others bade them quick goodbyes before slipping out of the practice room hastily. “You know the chords, right?”

To be frank, Mark didn’t really think Renjun was having any real trouble. He was already good, perfect even, and he didn’t need to stay up late just for this one performance. But Renjun thought otherwise and the only way they could fix that was if Renjun was satisfied with himself.

Mark grabbed his guitar from the corner and sat down on the floor.

“Should I sit down too?” Renjun asked.

Pushing his glasses up his nose, Mark gave a shrug. “Up to you. Do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

With a small nod, Renjun sat down in front of him. The weariness was very evident on his shoulders yet his eyes still held fire in them, growing, burning, and blinding. It was how you would know that Renjun wouldn’t stop.

They had been practicing for hours yet Renjun still looked the same. Even when bare-faced, Renjun looked stunning and Mark forced himself not to let his gaze wander downwards, where his soft lips would be. His hair was newly dyed too, vibrant red, the kind of red that made you think of cherries at the first sight, and it glinted under the bright white lights of the room.

Mark cleared his throat. “Whenever you’re ready, Jun.”

With a deep intake of breath, Renjun nodded at him. Mark started to strum and Renjun sang for only him to hear.

Unexpectedly, it was Jisung who caught up with everything. And because he was Jisung, he had brought it up at the most random time. 

They were in Japan, and the night was cold and the wind was prickling their skins. The last day of their concert ended a few hours ago yet here they were, taking a risky night walk as if they were just seven random tourists. Chenle came up with the idea and because they were NCT Dream, they had wider liberties they could take on and this was one of them.

Clad in multiple layers of clothing and masks, they went on to their destination-less journey. Chenle, Donghyuck, and Renjun were ahead, deep into a conversation about some movie, or maybe it was a TV series. They were followed by Jaemin and Jeno, who were quietly minding their own things, taking pictures of everything they deemed pretty. At the end of the line, Mark walked alongside Jisung. The air between them was thick but serene. It was a very nice night for Mark not to enjoy it.

They were near a park when Jisung suddenly cut through the silence. “You remember, don’t you?”

Jisung was a spontaneous boy, speaking his mind without a care. It was not uncommon for him to blurt out random things that no one could really get. Though there was something in his deep voice at that moment that made Mark understand right away. 

He was not the only one.

“Yeah,” Mark answered. “I’m surprised. I thought it was just me.”

The younger chuckled. There was something in his eyes that Mark couldn’t quite comprehend, and Jisung wasn’t really the hardest person to read. “It’s your first time, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it yours?”

Jisung shook his head, putting his hands inside his pockets. “I’m older than you think.”

“How old?” Mark pressed.

“Just old. I can’t really remember.” In front, Renjun laughed hysterically at some dumb shit Donghyuck had said. Usually, Mark would take in the sound with gratification but there was something in the night that just filled him with dread.

“Did you know us?” he asked, voice drawling, uncertain if it was even the right thing to say.

The smile that Jisung gave him was nothing Mark had ever seen before. He had seen the boy cry multiple times but he had never seen him look so mature and void of light. Jisung may have been the youngest but his eyes told Mark otherwise. “Every time.”

Mark shouldn’t have asked further but the curiosity was eating him. “What happened?”

“I get left behind and I’m all alone. It always ends like that.”

Mark just stopped thinking about his previous life altogether. It didn’t matter now anyway. Not when he was the only one who remembered and Renjun didn’t feel the same way about him. This new life had no connections to his previous one. The only common thing was the characters were played by the same set of people.

He tried his best to be happy. He really did. It was a difficult task especially when he was always busy with show schedules and tours. He was never given the chance to have a comeback with Dream again, but that really didn’t stop the never-ending schedule that came his way. Every day, there seemed to be a new recording, shooting, and practice. It was exhaustingly infinite. It consumed Mark slowly, and he could feel it in his bones, in every fiber of his muscles, and in every corner of his mind. So naturally, he got sick and had to be on hiatus for a year.

Mark went home back to his parents. The sudden serenity was overwhelming. Everywhere he turned, he expected cameras to be shoved into his face, flashes blinding him. The silence was deafening and he wasn’t going to lie, he missed the feeling of music vibrations resonating in his chest, the fanchants and screams filling his heart and ears. Sometimes, he’d talk to thin air, stopping mid-sentence to realize that none of his members were there with him. Home wasn’t completely home anymore, not when the people he cherished were miles away from him.

It was a Sunday morning when Mark woke up later than usual. He had been watching a new Netflix series and fell asleep as the sky was about to break into yellow and blue. His eyes were groggy and his limbs felt numb. If it weren’t for his grumbling stomach, he would’ve stayed in bed longer.

“Good. You’re awake. Your friend is here,” his mother said as he was walking down the stairs, rubbing the sleepiness off his eyes.

Since they moved to Korea, Mark didn’t have a lot of friends in their neighborhood. Even if he had, it was the dead time of the afternoon, the sun too high and the streets empty. Who could’ve possibly visited him at this time of the day? 

Though there he was, sitting on the couch timidly, fingers fidgeting. After all, he had never been to Mark’s house before. Despite that, it didn’t feel like Mark’s different worlds had just collided. The boy still looked in place as if he wasn’t just another member in their group; as if he and home weren’t mutually exclusive in Mark’s vocabulary. Just the mere sight of the boy withdrew all the stress and heaviness in Mark’s body. It felt like a brand new day and Mark couldn’t help the smile stretching his lips.

“Renjun.”

The said boy looked up from his fingers, his own bright smile breaking his lips. “Hi,” he said softly. “You seem better.”

He was. Back in the dorms, Mark used to wake up in the middle of the night, cold sweat running down his body. He’d run to the bathroom and empty his dinner into the bowl. Johnny would be by his side in a second, groggy from sleep, but still present, a hand circling on his back. Donghyuck would come then too and he’d be the closest thing to analgesic to Mark. Though the pain never really went away. It was always there, lingering in the very tip of his fingers and in the farthest corner of his mind.

It never went away. Not until now.

“I am,” Mark managed to say when he found his voice. “I didn’t expect you to visit me.”

Renjun scratched the back of his neck, laughing. everything in Mark’s vision seemed to be brighter and more vibrant. Renjun did always have that effect of bringing light into his world, metaphorically and figuratively. “I know. But I didn’t get to see you before you went home.”

“Yeah. It was so sudden.”

The silence that followed suit almost fucked with Mark’s mind. He didn’t know why he was so agitated in his own home, in front of Renjun at that. The said boy was looking into his eyes as if searching for something. Mark wondered what. “Can you sit beside me?” Renjun asked, breaking the silence and patting the spot next to him on the couch.

Mark obeyed without a word. As soon as he sat down, everything felt light and heavy all at once. Renjun noticed the shift in his aura too as he put his arm around Mark and pulled the older to lean against his chest. Carefully, a hand carded through Mark’s hair, a sigh escaping his lips.

“You should eat,” Renjun whispered into his hair.

“I don’t wanna move.” Mark’s voice came out muffled but Renjun understood anyway.

“Okay,” was the only thing Renjun said before standing up.

It was embarrassing, rightfully so. They were in Mark’s house but Renjun was the one making him feel at home. Of course, Mark’s mother was more than happy to show Renjun around the kitchen, teaching him how to reheat the lunch earlier. Renjun even made the effort to make miso soup, thanks to his mother’s guidance. All of it was so familiarly domestic, making his heart clench in his chest.

As always, the food was good, especially the miso soup. It was even better when Renjun’s eye lit up as Mark told him that it was his favorite. They spent the day in Mark’s room after that. They played some video games—Renjun lost and whined every time, it was cute—and caught up with each other’s lives. Not like there was a lot going on in their lives aside from practices and performances anyway.

They didn’t notice the time. If it weren’t for Mark’s mother knocking on his door, telling them that the dinner was ready, they wouldn’t have noticed how dark it turned outside. His mother insisted Renjun to stay for the night, saying that it’d be better if he left tomorrow. Renjun gladly took the offer—not like he had any other choice, Mark’s mom could be pretty persistent.

Though they didn’t have any other rooms available so Renjun had to sleep with Mark in his bed. It wasn’t like they haven’t done this before. Some practices were too exhausting that they just passed out on the same bed when they were roommates. And although Renjun wouldn’t be able to remember, Mark really wouldn’t forget what it was like to sleep beside Renjun, his arms around the younger like he didn’t want to let go. (He certainly didn’t.)

The two of them basked in the darkness of Mark’s room. It was relaxing yet Mark could feel the faint awkwardness at the edges. Mark’s bed wasn’t that big but the two of them unconsciously made the effort not to let their shoulders touch. 

Sometimes Mark wished that Renjun was like him. Whatever this thing they had, it wasn’t enough. Mark wanted more, he wanted to be more. But he couldn’t really dictate someone else’s heart, especially if they weren’t set on giving it to him.

“Mark?”

Mark turned his head. He couldn’t really see Renjun’s face but he knew the boy was looking at him as well. “Renjun?”

“I miss you.” There was something in Renjun’s voice, something warm and familiar. Even if thousands of lifetimes passed, Mark wouldn’t be able to forget that feeling in his voice. How it took Mark’s breath away, how it tingled his skin, how it made his heart swell. 

He reached out his hand and traced Renjun’s face with his fingers carefully. He felt the boy shiver under his touch, even more so when his thumb brushed over his parted lips. Mark fought the urge to slip his finger in so he went on instead, dragging his fingers down to Renjun’s jaw, then to the tender skin of his neck. It drew a soft whimper from Renjun and Mark almost drowned out the noise with his lips.

Renjun’s name rolled out of his tongue like a gasp, like a prayer. Mark had tried so hard to push down his feelings until they were nothing but a pile of rubbish, but he couldn’t. Loving Renjun was just something that was innate to him. It was the only constant in his life—his lives, really. Mark wouldn’t be really Mark without that fact. 

And it hurt. It hurt so much to realize that Mark would remain living the memories that Renjun would never remember. He wanted him. _He wanted him so badly._

“Renjun—”

But Renjun was quick to silence him with a kiss. If it weren’t for Renjun’s moving lips against his own, Mark would’ve laughed. This was just like their first kiss, at the back of Jeno’s truck. Mark was saying something and Renjun just dived in for a kiss. He wasn’t complaining though. It was nice to know that some things didn’t really change.

When Renjun pulled away with a gasp, he held Mark’s face in his hands. His eyes seemed to be glowing and Mark could clearly see the fright in them. Mark felt his heart dropping, his fingers going cold. Renjun noticed right away and put their foreheads together. His voice was low and raspy when he spoke.

“I know, Mark. I know.”

Mark and Renjun.

Renjun and Mark.

Perhaps some things were constant even if they were in a different lifetime.

Yes, some things were indeed constant even if they were in a different lifetime.

It wasn’t supposed to happen but then, it kind of just did. 

Mark was finally back and he did really well. Their groups’ success all over the world was the company’s biggest achievement yet. And for the first time, all NCT units would hold a concert together as a form of gratitude to their fans. Overall, it was great news, the kind of news that should be celebrated but they couldn’t do that. Not when it was also announced to them that NCT Dream would go on a hiatus after the concert. Basically disbandment if you would.

It didn’t make sense. Their group was successful, more than successful actually. They finally got a lot of opportunities like attending more variety shows and having a world tour. They were given full albums and their used to be once in a year comeback became thrice in a year. So why? Where did things go wrong?

The company said it wasn’t the end. They’d be just doing a bit of reshuffling. Some of the members would still be able to participate in some unit comebacks. If the opportunity passed, some of them might be able to debut in WayV or NCT 127. Or maybe a whole different unit. No one really believed them though. 

Maybe it was just bad management like it always were. Or life just really wanted to fuck with them.

Every night, after practice, Mark wouldn’t go back to their dorm. Instead, he would go to the younger ones. It wasn’t just even to see Renjun. He needed to check up on everyone else, knowing how hard this must be for them. Donghyuck would come with him too and they would all spend the night together as if it was going to be the last time.

Donghyuck would sleep in Jeno’s bed, the two of them snuggling into each other like there was no tomorrow. Mark found it quite amusing, even piquing Renjun’s interest as the boy talked to him about it one night.

They were in Renjun’s bed, Mark’s arm draped around his waist lazily. No one had really questioned their sudden closeness—if it was even sudden at all. It was like this was something inevitable and everyone was just waiting for the right moves to be placed. “Donghyuck and Jeno are quite close these days, huh?”

“Sure, they are.” Images of their previous life flooded into his head. Even in this life, Jeno and Donghyuck held that unspoken attachment between them. Although they may not have been more vocal and showy about it in this life, it all still felt the same. “They’re always like that.”

Renjun hummed in agreement. “I suppose.”

“I hate this,” Mark confessed. Renjun tensed against him before finally relaxing, realizing that Mark was talking about a different matter. His skin started to get warm too as the anger rushed into him. “It’s just so unfair. I know I may not be a part of this group anymore—”

“Don’t say that. You’re always with us, no matter what.”

Mark appreciated the words but the frustration and rage inside him were stronger. He had never felt like this before, not even when he had disagreements with some of the members. Everyone who knew Mark knew the fact that he couldn’t really get angry, at least not in the way that would make himself lose control. “All of this, all of our hard work. Would it really all just be for nothing?”

Renjun didn’t speak. For a moment, Mark thought he had fallen asleep but his unsteady breathing told him otherwise.

“Aren’t you angry, Renjun?” he asked. To be honest, he expected Renjun to act out the loudest but he had been silent from the very beginning.

“I am,” Renjun said truthfully. “I just really don’t have the energy anymore. It’s sad but I’m kinda used to it.”

“Maybe we should sue all of them.” Mark sounded like he was joking but he wasn’t, not really.

The younger seemed to miss the aim of his statement though. Renjun laughed, the vibration of his body sending straight into Mark’s. “Maybe we should. They’d cry, all of them.”

They didn’t really sleep peacefully that night, but at least they were in each other’s arms.

It was a two-day concert. The first day was full of energy. The crowd was loud, they were all loud too. The performances were nothing but legendary. Their group was the talk of the country, talk of the whole world to be honest.

By the second day, everyone was exhausted. Not physically in any means but emotionally and mentally. Everyone was on their edge, knowing the impending downfall at the end of the event. It was difficult to act like everything was going to be okay so no one could really stop the tears when the ending ment came.

Mark couldn’t even bear to talk and let the others do it for him. Everyone tried to be strong, tried to be the foundation that the others needed but it was a failure. No one was okay. 

When they all lined up to take their last bow together, Renjun intertwined their fingers, not caring if it looked different for the cameras. Mark almost missed it but Renjun gave him a wan smile.

“I love you, Mark.”

Then they all bowed together.

The news broke a lot of people’s hearts. Hiatus was the word they used but everyone knew the underlying message of it. Nothing was the same after that.

Mark was in the middle of practice when his world ended even further. He had to learn the news from some random people on the Internet when he took a break.

Airplane crash, the articles said. It was due to a faulty engine but others said it was pilot error. Those things didn’t matter though because the most important person in Mark’s life was gone, and nothing could bring him back. 

Life was cruel, wasn’t it?

Mark didn’t know how he even continued life after that. It was all a blur to him.

Would it always end like this? If that was the case, he’d rather have not loved Renjun at all. It’d be more bearable to not love him than to spend every lifetime losing him. Renjun had so many things he wanted to do but he couldn’t even do them. Why must the universe toy with them like this?

Mark and Renjun.

Renjun and Mark.

In the end, it was always Mark who was left behind.

Twenty years had passed, Mark was no longer Mark Lee. He was just Mark like in the beginning.

He parted ways with his members a long time ago. He couldn’t even remember the last time he talked to any of them. It was like they were all avoiding each other like the plague. It was heartbreaking to see, really, how they see nothing but sad memories in each other’s eyes.

Mark took a deep breath as he stepped out of the airport with nothing but himself. He didn’t waste any time and hauled a taxi right away.

It didn’t take long before he reached his destination. The wind was stingingly cold as he got out of the vehicle, mists coming out of his every breath. Leaves cracked as he walked and in the silence, it felt like a loud blaring warning to his ears.

There was not a year that Mark didn’t visit him: on his birthday, on their debut anniversary, on Mark’s own birthday, on New Year’s, on Christmas, on his death anniversary. Mark would always come, no matter what. He would always clear his schedule back when he was still Mark Lee. He didn’t care if they had performances, he’d still go. 

He spotted a familiar yet strange figure on one of the concrete benches. Twenty years had passed and this was the first time Mark saw someone else visiting. It didn’t take him long to realize that it was Jisung. He was taller, taller than he had ever been, and he looked old, not only physically but his eyes were dim and his composure held maturity. It was the first time that Mark truly saw that Jisung was older than him by experience, older than any of them.

“I didn’t expect to see somebody here,” Mark said as he approached the boy—the man, really, but Jisung would always be a boy in his eyes.

“Well, I expected you,” Jisung said, not tearing his gaze away from the niche.

Mark sat down beside him and followed his line of sight. Twenty years had passed and it still brought him pain whenever he saw Renjun’s face and name on that niche. Tiny needles pricked his heart and his throat started to dry. Sometimes he wondered how he could bear any of this every time.

“It’s always Renjun who leaves first, you know,” Jisung said, and there was a hollowness in his voice. Mark had only lost Renjun twice and it already hurt so much. He couldn’t fathom how Jisung must’ve felt, having to watch someone he cared about die in all the lives he lived. Mark knew Jisung would never get used to it; the pain would always be there, maybe it would never leave at all. “And now he’s starting to die earlier and earlier as this goes on. Maybe in a few more lifetimes, we won’t be able to meet him at all.”

“Why?” was the only thing Mark could say. Why was this happening? Why did it have to be Renjun?

Finally, Jisung turned his head and looked at him. He used to have youth and life in his eyes but now there was only death. “Why does anything ever happen in general?” he said, voice hard and cold. He glared up at the sky as if screaming profanities to whoever was above. He’d clearly had enough of this, of this pain, of this joke they called his lives. “Maybe it’s a curse. Maybe we did something so shitty in one of our previous lives and now we have to fucking suffer in the rest. Or maybe life is just cruel, you know? Someone has to live through the pain so others can live in happiness. Universal balance or some shit.”

“That’s some fucked up shit.”

Jisung hummed in agreement. 

Mark didn't know how long they stayed there. But when he left, the sky was painted dark and heavy, and his heart was completely empty.

• • •

Mark and Renjun met much later on in their next life. They were colleagues in a big corporation. Mark knew everything and yet, Renjun still remained unknowing of his pain.

Just like in the previous ones, they fell in love and had a great time together. Mark even thought they’d finally get the happy life that they deserved.

But just like also in the previous ones, Renjun died and Mark was just Mark in the end.

This had become the new constant in Mark’s every lifetime.

• • •

This, whatever this was, it never changed. Maybe it was their fate to always fall in love only for their story to be cut short midway. Maybe they were never supposed to have a proper ending at all. The story would always halt with a loose thread, hanging, waiting, but never finished. Sometimes it was too much for Mark that he ended it early just to meet Renjun in the next.

Mark would never get tired of meeting Renjun and falling in love with him. If he could only stop the time after that then he would. But Mark was only Mark, and they were against something much bigger than they could comprehend.

“I love you, Mark.”

That was a constant too. 

Sometimes it made Mark wonder if Renjun knew. If this was his way of saying goodbye. Still, if he did know, he never said anything. 

No matter how many times it happened, it would never be bearable. Loving Renjun and losing him always broke him in so many ways that he couldn’t describe. In each lifetime, the pain was different. Sometimes it was prickling, sometimes it was burning, sometimes it was numbing. Nevertheless, Mark went on and played part in every story that came his way. For him and Renjun. For Renjun, mostly.

Mark and Renjun.

Renjun and Mark.

Their story started like this: Renjun was the new kid in the neighborhood and Mark was the brave kid who stood up for him.

Perhaps their story started way before that. Though the world may never know.

Either way, their story ended like this: 

With a loose thread, hanging, waiting but never seeing the light that was the end. It never ended, not in the way they would’ve wanted, and perhaps, no matter what lifetime, no matter what changes, it never would.

**Author's Note:**

> honestly, when will i write markren with a happy ending???? i really wanted a happy ending but my fingers are like NOPE. also, idk why but markren is so easy to write for me?
> 
> me with other ships: carefully planning, outlines, takes one week to finish, etc.  
> me with markren: LMAOOO LET'S GO


End file.
